Vanity Issues

Berlin, January 2020

Ever since I have been working in journalism with many colleagues at all kind of different newspapers, magazines or agencies, I never ever had a sexual or romantic interaction with any woman or man. Not even a glimpse of it. At least during the time while being colleagues. Obviously,  it’s absolutely unprofessional and besides , really unpractical as you would have to confront yourself to potential uncomfortable situations. Most of the time I was in a happy marriage anyway but even becoming single I followed the unspoken rules.

A while ago, it occurred that I started flirting with someone though. Subtle little looks , some gestures, nothing special. He was very good looking and super smart. But I had decided to stop this. 

Therefore one day, I went up to him as he had been already following me on my way out of the office and holding the open door for me, very gentleman like, as I reacted in the most crazy and stupid way that crossed my mind. I was behaving like one of those stalker women, saying nonsense shit in a very thin and high voice tone. Clinging onto him. Absolut horror for every normal man to be confronted with all of a sudden. Of course he fled as fast as he could as felt super cornered in this open door way and me in front of him with no way out. 

After this incident, I had gone on a longer trip so when we met in the office a month later, there were no signs of anything that had occurred. All neutral, simple, polite and professional. Very easy going. The only thing I felt left behind was my pride and vanity. I have to swallow the bitter pill of being a crazy stalker woman towards him. As it is already a while ago and I hardly work directly together with him, I don’t really give a damn. It‘s just a vanity affair.

Same as not bothering anymore when walking along the aisles of the huge office building , being vulnerable with my slightly handicapped way of walking. I guess my colleagues can see it by now and not everyone knows about my situation. So what. Can’t stop the deterioration process anyway. This is a circumstance I can, at least, get slowly used to: loosing attractiveness. Plus this week I will be turning forty five years old and really comfortable about it. Celebrating a huge party. With all the guns loaded.

Happy Birthday Pam and Mr P